Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Forgotten Life


I worte this years ago when something like this had happened. And just so everyone knows I am not upset. I'm not wallowing in my pain. This is just a poem of mine. And I feel like posting it.


Your absence make me cry with pain.
I miss your smile, you lips,
And no sense of shame.
Your face haunts my tortured memories
And in them I find no blessed remedies,
I look upon your picture with heartache,
And when I look away only one thing do I take,
Unholy torment,And yet I smile, even if only for a moment

Monday, April 24, 2006

You I have found

I feeling has come to me.
One that I though could never be mine,
And yet here it is as you can all see.
It warms my blood, and in my eyes it shines.
Shines like warming morning sun,
Ever going, ever coming,
It will always catch you, no matter how fast you run.
And soon you catch your self humming,
Humming an old happy tune,
And you skip and even laugh.
This is its great boon,
To show you all the amazing things you have.

It’s name?
How could you not know?
It’s not in eyes of shame,
But is important in the times your low.
It feeds love struck lovers,
And consoles the scared,
It never stands, but kinda hovers,
And it needs to be shared.
We all think we have it,
But we always need more,
With ever just bit,
We wait to see what our feature have in store.

Still you ask what it is?
Well aren’t you a useless dope,
Little is more important then this,
Little is more important then hope.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

I need...


I need is a new love,
Someone to inspire me.
To share and make good times with,
Oh God can you see me from above?
Can you send me someone who with me, happiness will be?
Or is Love just not real, like an ancient myth?

God can you at least forgive?
Can you take away my pain?
What is this life I must live?
With all loss and no gain?

Can I forgive myself?
In all the misery I have caused?
Into my despair I delve,
And see all my joy lost.

Yet there is hope,
All I need is someone to crave,
Some to help me cope,
Someone who in me can save,
Save me from my mind,
Who came for who I am,
A soul who is gentle and kind,
Or is my hope just a sham?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

New Year's Eve


New Year's Eve

It's cruel cold on the water-front, silent and dark and drear;
Only the black tide weltering, only the hissing snow;
And I, alone, like a storm-tossed wreck, on this night of the glad New Year,
Shuffling along in the icy wind, ghastly and gaunt and slow.

They're playing a tune in McGuffy's saloon, and it's cheery and bright in there
(God! but I'm weak -- since the bitter dawn, and never a bite of food);
I'll just go over and slip inside -- I mustn't give way to despair --
Perhaps I can bum a little booze if the boys are feeling good.

They'll jeer at me, and they'll sneer at me, and they'll call me a whiskey soak;
("Have a drink? Well, thankee kindly, sir, I don't mind if I do.")
A drivelling, dirty, gin-joint fiend, the butt of the bar-room joke;
Sunk and sodden and hopeless -- "Another? Well, here's to you!"

McGuffy is showing a bunch of the boys how Bob Fitzsimmons hit;
The barman is talking of Tammany Hall, and why the ward boss got fired.
I'll just sneak into a corner and they'll let me alone a bit;
The room is reeling round and round . . .O God! but I'm tired, I'm tired. . . .
* * * * *
Roses she wore on her breast that night. Oh, but their scent was sweet!
Alone we sat on the balcony, and the fan-palms arched above;
The witching strain of a waltz by Strauss came up to our cool retreat,
And I prisoned her little hand in mine, and I whispered my plea of love.

Then sudden the laughter died on her lips, and lowly she bent her head;
And oh, there came in the deep, dark eyes a look that was heaven to see;
And the moments went, and I waited there, and never a word was said,
And she plucked from her bosom a rose of red and shyly gave it to me.

Then the music swelled to a crash of joy, and the lights blazed up like day,
And I held her fast to my throbbing heart, and I kissed her bonny brow.
"She is mine, she is mine for evermore!" the violins seemed to say,
And the bells were ringing the New Year in -- O God! I can hear them now.

Don't you remember that long, last waltz, with its sobbing, sad refrain?
Don't you remember that last good-by, and the dear eyes dim with tears?
Don't you remember that golden dream, with never a hint of pain,
Of lives that would blend like an angel-song in the bliss of the coming years?

Oh, what have I lost! What have I lost! Ethel, forgive, forgive!
The red, red rose is faded now, and it's fifty years ago.
'Twere better to die a thousand deaths than live each day as I live!
I have sinned, I have sunk to the lowest depths -- but oh, I have suffered so!

Hark! Oh, hark! I can hear the bells! . . . Look! I can see her there,
Fair as a dream . . . but it fades . . . And now -- I can hear the dreadful hum
Of the crowded court . . . See! the Judge looks down . . .
NOT GUILTY, my Lord, I swear . . .
The bells -- I can hear the bells again! . . . Ethel, I come, I come! . . .
* * * * *
"Rouse up, old man, it's twelve o'clock. You can't sleep here, you know.
Say! ain't you got no sentiment? Lift up your muddled head;
Have a drink to the glad New Year, a drop before you go --
You darned old dirty hobo . . . My God! Here, boys! He's DEAD!"

--- Robert Service

To any reader who reads.

A poetic weave of words is what I spin,
Of fantasy of reality and of sin,
I tell you of hope, love, and, and the lustful look of a whore,
And I lecture you on violence, hatred, and the brutalities of war.
You read with interest, or you read in a daze,
But you read never the less and manage a meaning in it's haze.

I speak of what you in your heart already know and believe to be true,
Yet you speak of what I wrote as if it tells of something new.
You tell me of how impressed you are,
And of how for the writer I keeps razing the bar.
You praise me as a poet,
And I thank you, but I know not how to show it.

So this is for you and all that you do.
For the laughs you give, and the tears too.
This is for the hope you show to me,
And the truth that is as it may be.
And all that I write know that they are a result of you,
And all the amazing things that you do.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Junior God

byRobert W. Service


The Junior God looked from his place
In the conning towers of heaven,
And he saw the world through the span of space
Like a giant golf-ball driven.
And because he was bored, as some gods are,
With high celestial mirth,
He clutched the reins of a shooting star,
And he steered it down to earth.

The Junior God, 'mid leaf and bud,
Passed on with a weary air,
Till lo! he came to a pool of mud,
And some hogs were rolling there.
Then in he plunged with gleeful cries,
And down he lay supine;
For they had no mud in paradise,
And they likewise had no swine.

The Junior God forgot himself;
He squelched mud through his toes;
With the careless joy of a wanton boy
His reckless laughter rose.
Till, tired at last, in a brook close by,
He washed off every stain;
Then softly up to the radiant sky
He rose, a god again.

The Junior God now heads the roll
In the list of heaven's peers;
He sits in the House of High Control,
And he regulates the spheres.
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
If, even in gods divine,
The best and wisest may not be those
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?


Now as I said before this is directed to one individual but anyone can comment. It also should be said that I was not directing this as a point of saying God does not know everything, for he does. What I am trying to get through is that WE could benefit by wallowing a while with the swine.

I will survive?

Family, how is that a family which is supposed to be supportive can be so... Tearing down... I know that there are lots of my family who come here and read this, and I am truly sorry, but this is how I feel. When I am at home in Lethbridge, away from my blood relatives, I'm confident, and sure of what I can do. I know that what ever I am going to do is going to be hard, and something I am not used to, but I know I can do it. But as soon as I am with family, it seems that whatever I do, it's a mistake, and though they don't say it they let me know. They don't approve, and I always feel troubled. I start to think a certain way and I see them, then everything is turned upside down and suddenly I feel as if my legs have just been ripped from underneath me. I want to make my OWN decisions, ones that are not influenced one way or another. But then again what do I know right? I'm young, stupid to the way the world works right? So I'll just have to make some dumb founded decision that I will inevitable regret not listening to my family. So anyone who is reading this from Lethbridge, I am bring back a number of Cubans, and we are going to celebrate another survival from my family.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

So here's a laugh. I have a "insult a day" calander. Here is todays:

" There was one tricky moment- to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra".

-Talk show host Craig Kilborn about Arnold Schwarzenegger's inaguration as govener of California.

No offence ment. I just thought it was funny.

Monday, April 10, 2006


Sunday, April 09, 2006

I really hate this.

I really hate what a lot of Christians put out. I am one, or at least I consider myself one. But I am a very very different one, who doesn't really agree or have ALOT in common with the ideal Christian, and of course I always have this weight that I carry around that seems to separate me from "non- Christians" on the most intimate level. Tonight I went to this talk on dating and sex in the Christian life, and I left early because of how angry I was. I have been there and thought what they thought, and learned on my own, even with ALL of the outside influences telling me this and that, supporting the whole "ideal Christian" and those against it. I have choose my own belief, in spite of what BOTH sides have said. And I'm sorry, having the rule no marriage or dating a non-Christian is bull shit, so is no drinking, smoking or swearing. Now I admit that no smoking, drinking and sex before and such is a GOOD idea, and keeps ones life, simple and safe. But its not fucking law! No dating non-Christians is complete garbage. My mother a Christian, my father not. Did they fight, yes. Did they argue about religion, maybe. Did they work it out and live a good life, and provide their children with the choice and a good life, absolutely. I'm sorry I just went on some useless and probably in-coherent tangent. What ever.

Motivation... Whats that?

I am having a real hard time getting motivated to study. I have a lab final on Tuesday, and I know I should be memorizing phylum names like Chilopoda, and knowing that they are centipedes. But I really don't care. I have so much more on my mind, and that's not just my whole brake up thing. I know I will never be over that, but I also know how to get my mind of things like that, which leads me to my next problem. What happens when you meet someone who you connect to instantly, and who touches your life. I don't know. And it's something I think about. Also about other complications related to that, but lets not go there, for I know some people may be worried and/or offended, and I wouldn't blame either group.
But back to that whole motivation thing. I'm not coming back next year, but I know I should keep all my doors open as long as I can, but I really don't want to. I really refuse to believe that me ever knowing that an spiders head is made of two head appendages fused together is ever going to help in the real world. And its not like I need to learn that especially as a pilot. So what the hell? I know, I know, it teaches me to work right, to study? Meh. All I can think of are my life’s issues, as selfish as that sounds.

Comrades

Comrades

The two of us set out in life together,
We swore friends forever,
We staggered through the road to man-hood leaning on one another,
Looking at the armies we beat, I look back and shudder,
“Did we really live through those epic battles that everyone must fight?
Did we really laugh like that through them and smile at their bite?”
We should have been scared as hell of what we saw,
But I was as secure as could be as long as you where with me,
Even when our backsides got raw.

I look back at those struggles in wonder.
How could we have won when all we did was blindly blunder?
I can’t help but think,
Where would have I been if you weren’t there in that prank,
To tell me to think about what might have happened,
Or me to get you into those battles that were so ramped,
With the lessons that we were to learn and the blood to be shed,
I know I was glad that you where there to share in the blood we bled.

This is to our memories my friend,
Let them never brake nor bend,
This is to our the lessons we learned,
And to how we had them earned,
This is to what ever happens to be,
This is to you and me.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

A great song... A great night... A great friend...

This one is for my personal solace... I hope life treats you well, and may you never be bored.
.
.
.
"When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darling, from a whisper start
And have a little faith in me
And when your back’s against the wal
lJust turn around and you, you will seeI will catch you,
I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
‘Cause I’ve been loving you, for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
‘Cause for us, there is no end
And all you gotta do, is have a little faith in me
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
And your love, gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Hey hey
All you gotta do for me girl
Is have a little faith in me "
.
.
.
Artist: John Hiatt Lyrics
Song: Have A little Faith In Me Lyrics
To: You know who you are.

Friday, April 07, 2006

My neighbour

I sat out on my porch with my neighbour tonight. It was a real encouragement. I was just walking back from the local MAX where I bought a pack of Captain Blacks, and I saw her out in front of the porch. She apologized to me about plashing me with her car the pervious day, but we ended up talking for a bit. After a couple of minutes of us just chatting, I asked her if she wanted to sit down on our porch. She agreed and we talked some more. I learned that her name is Ann, which I had forgotten, she had been married twice, and she had a seven year old son named David. Also I learned what she had done to end up as my neighbour. We even had a heart to heart chat, and it gave me a good feeling. Afterwards she said that if I was ever bored and wanted a pizza that we could go and get one. She also thanked me for asking her to sit. Apparently she really needed it. That was such an encouragement. I have tried to "love thy neighbour" but now I actually saw it pay off, I saw the difference it made in her eyes. And I like seeing that.

How they brought the good news from Ghent to Aix

By Robert Browning


I SPRANG to the stirrup, and Joris, and he;

I gallop’d, Dirck gallop’d, we gallop’d all three;

“Good speed !” cried the watch, as the gate-bolts undrew;

“Speed!” echoed the wall to us galloping through;

Behind shut the postern, the lights sank to rest,

And into the midnight we gallop’d abreast.


Not a word to each other; we kept the great pace

Neck by neck, stride by stride, never changing our place;

I turn’d in my saddle and made its girths tight,

Then shorten’d each stirrup, and set the pique right,

Rebuckled the cheek-strap, chain’d slacker the bit,

Nor gallop’d less steadily Roland a whit.


’T was moonset at starting; but while we drew near

Lokeren, the cocks crew and twilight dawn’d clear;

At Boom, a great yellow star came out to see;

At Düffeld, ’t was morning as plain as could be;

And from Mechelm church-steeple we heard the half chime,

So, Joris broke silence with, “Yet there is time!”


At Aershot, up leap’d of a sudden the sun,

And against him the cattle stood black every one,

To state thro’ the mist at us galloping past,

And I saw my stout galloper Roland at last,

With resolute shoulders, each butting away

The haze, as some bluff river headland its spray:


And his low head and crest, just one sharp ear bent back

For my voice, and the other prick’d out on his track;

And one eye’s black intelligence,—ever that glance

O’er its white edge at me, his own master, askance!

And the thick heavy spume-flakes which aye and anon

His fierce lips shook upwards in galloping on.


By Hasselt, Dirck groan’d; and cried Joris “Stay spur!

Your Roos gallop’d bravely, the fault’s not in her,

We ’ll remember at Aix”—for one heard the quick wheeze

Of her chest, saw the stretch’d neck and staggering knees,

And sunk tail, and horrible heave of the flank,
As down on her haunches she shudder’d and sank.


So, we were left galloping, Joris and I,

Past Looz and past Tongres, no cloud in the sky;

The broad sun above laugh’d a pitiless laugh,

’Neath our feet broke the brittle bright stubble like chaff;

Till over by Dalhem a dome-spire sprang white,

And “Gallop,” gasped Joris, “for Aix is in sight!


“How they ’ll greet us!”—and all in a moment his roan

Roll’d neck and croup over, lay dead as a stone;

And there was my Roland to bear the whole weight

Of the news which alone could save Aix from her fate,

With his nostrils like pits full of blood to the brim,

And with circles of red for his eye-sockets’ rim.


Then I cast loose my buffcoat, each holster let fall,

Shook off both my jack-boots, let go belt and all,

Stood up in the stirrup, lean’d, patted his ear,

Call’d my Roland his pet name, my horse without peer;

Clapp’d my hands, laugh’d and sang, any noise, bad or good,

Till at length into Aix Roland gallop’d and stood.


And all I remember is, friends flocking round

As I sat with his head ’twixt my knees on the ground;

And no voice but was praising this Roland of mine,

As I pour’d down his throat our last measure of wine,

Which (the burgesses voted by common consent)

Was no more than his due who brought good news from Ghent.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Love


Love is a black card waiting to be filled.
It's emptiness overtakes you,
You the man or woman who knows it all,
You, with their heart chilled,
You, who has not paid your due,
You... The one set up for the fall.

When we see it, it fills us with hope,
We look for it, in the eyes of a stranger,
We search for it, where ever we go,
It is filled with Beauty, Thrillment, and Danger.
It is a test, an experiment and a show.

Love can never be bought,
Nor can it be sown,
It isn't to be given in charity,
Love is not a written art, so it can never b e bought,
It can be borrowed or on loan,
It does need to be studied, but it's never seen with clarity.



Thanks Cheif. I appreciate it. I know it sounds bad, and it is, but you know me better then most, and I think you know what I am capable of, and what I do to vent out pent-up emotions. This is if you are who I think you are. If not, then I apologize for this. I guess I just need somewhere to bitch an complain. And I know that my family probably see's this. And thats ok. I am alive, and know what it is like to be concerned. But I have to vent somewhere, and I was pretty low, and meant everything I said. But that does not mean I would follow through.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

What?


So a guess my was rather rash... I didn't want to stop doing this. I need it. I don't care who reads this. As I said before, its a little disheartening knowing who doesn't read this. But A guess that the way it goes. So here my question for you to ponder... Is it wrong to recover from a tragedy that is your own fault by looking for solace in another’s arms?