A Tribute to Antiforbismo

To a friend who I will always cherish,
Weather you write or not.
And may you always find shade in a sunny day,
Hope when there is none,
Water when your soul is thirsty,
And light when all you see is darkness.

May we always be in your debt,
And may you always be able to see,
Even when you think your blind.
May you always have a moment of happiness,
In the worst of days.
A sense of peace,
When all you feel is frustration.
May your wishes always be granted,
When your out of hope,
An answer to every prayer,
And a sunny break,
To every storm in your life.

May we will always remember your writing,
Your ideas,
Your emotions,
And the life lessons that you shared.
To you a writer,
To you a lover,
To you a poet,
And to you a friend.
To you... Playah hatah.

Clints Lesson

Clint stood out side one night,
Contemplating his matters of the soul,
And then a realization came with startling fright,
For though a woman can make you feel whole,
It's not real,
And pain will be foolishness's toll,
With all the remaking of the hearts seal.

This frightened our man Clint,
For throughout his life he never felt complete,
And in this state of lust and Love he didn't
Didn't stop to contemplate this fact, let me repeat,
He didn't stop to contemplate this sad fact.
And what he realized next was hard.
So we may guess at how he would react,
Change, or drink, or gamble with the card,
But we'd be dead wrong,
For he did neither.
He listened to a sad song,
And took a short breather.

When that was done he went out and got a girl,
For these are the facts of the matter,
With all the troubles that will set your mind awhirl,
You haven't a hope that your heart won't shatter,
But that’s what makes the good times so rare
And we should always enjoy life when we can,
And run and play as long as we can bare,
For one day all we will have is the memory of when we ran.

At one time in my life. I thought I knew who I was. I thought that a month ago. But now? I'm not sure anymore. Who am I? What do I have to contribute the world. What am I? I know I have to seach myself for these answers. And I know that they won't come over night. But less then a year ago, I knew who I was. Not anymore. I have changed. For better or for worse I don't know, hell you might not even be able to change in a bad way. Just evolve into something else. Something more, weather or not you have lost a part of yourself or gained something. I guess I am going to have to find out. I hope I like the outcome.

Our Lady Peace - Life

How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare?

How many time have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive
All messed up, but we'll survive

Hate and Love. Two faces of the same coin.

Anger burns in my eyes.
Your wickedness has taken control,
Move, and I pull the trigger.
No one wants to die,
My love is locked away without parole,
And my fury just gets bigger and bigger.

How long can you be mad?
Well forever!
All I need to do is think about you have done!
Oh no pretend to be sad,
Cause though you think yourself clever,
It's you who has lost my love, Hun.

You are dead to me.
And I kinda hope that you did die.
For then you'd through,
And I'd be free,
And I must admit I would sigh,
For then I would be drinking this bitter brew.

A toast.

Heres a toast,
To cheep wine and candle light.
To all the things that make us cry.
To our gracious host,
Who we can see further then sight,
Who is Vodka and rye.

To family and friends,
May their health be well.
To our bitter hearts,
And the lust it sends,
To all the pleasures here and in hell,
And to our precious smarts.

May we never forget who we are.
May there be an answer to all our prayers,
And may we through this life not coast.
May we be liked both near and far,
And may we always remember who for us cares.
To our life’s, a toast.

I still have hope

I feel pain again.
Not sure why.
It's not so simple and plain,
It would be so much easier to lie.
But I won't do such a thing,
I want to know how you are.
Are you happy enough to just sing?
Or are you lost in the drink at a dingy bar?

Me? It's closer to the latter,
But its not.
Which makes it all that much sadder,
Is that my heart right now is shot.
I can't sing a tune,
But nor am drinking myself stupid,
But I hope to do both soon,
With a little luck from cupid,
I might be able to laugh,
A good shot from his bow,
And my heart will no longer be in half.
I might be taking a pretty thing to a show.

Only with on sorrow,
At a time can I cope,
But still for tomorrow,
I have hope.

I came on here to write what I am feeling. But I really don't know what I am feeling. I am... Not in pain, but nor am I happy. Yet I'm not numb either. Its very odd. Its like the man of emotions doesn't know what it is he is feeling.

My nervs

Excitement runs through my veins.
Like quick silver, never stopping,
It beats at my soul like a thundering storm of pounding rains,
And keeps my heart near popping.
It is this to which gamblers get their thrill.
To always feel the dice roll,
Bouncing, tossing, and tumbling till,
On the heart it's taken its toll.

This is what I feel,
With every single moment,
And I know this must be real,
So from it, I will take no atonement.
I wait to talk to some one new.
I wait converse with some I have never met.
And see if she can help me not be blue,
And she can, with a single far fetched kiss I bet.

A sense of peace

As I lay here thinking about my heart,
Something happens.
A sense of peace washes over me.
I may not be that smart,
Or even that great of a person,
But I am me, and that’s all I have to be.

I listen to Tom Petty sing,
And his talk about free falling,
And I all of the span of a flash,
Feelings that make me want to cry and laugh take wing,
And I think of you.
And I my from "joys" stash.

I then forget about you.
I forget that I was looking at what to do,
When I was trying to recover,
From these thoughts so blue,
I think I will just drink some more,
And find a willing but cautious lover.

This way I will never have to think of us.
And the lack there of.
Or waste a day in pain,
Letting my heart bleed its poisonous puss.
But never mind that, I will raise my glass,
And take another drink yet again.

thoughts

I think I deserve to know why. I never did anything wrong, and yet I am treated like I am the villain. If I did do something wrong I think I SHOULD know what. Did she grow bored of me? Was I not enough fun for her anymore? Was it just sex keeping us together? (if she is reading this, she has forgone any rights she might have had in choosing what I say here and not, by refusing to tell me what it was, and treating me the way she has) I don't know what it was that caused all this, but I was willing to change for her, and I think that is partly why it hurts so much. I think everyone has heard the song "I'm a believer" by either the Monkeys, or matchbox 20. Well there is a line there that goes, "I used to think Love was a giving thing. The more I gave the less I got." I think that this is totally true. I admit it, so laugh it up Steve, I loved her. In fact I have loved three women. One I screwed things up with, and the other two I can only guess what it was I did, or didn't do. I think love should be classified as a Four letter word, and given the same treatment as four letters words in front of a baby.

Solitude

LAUGH, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of it's own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

All the songs out there ding about love and how great it is... They are usually happy, and very few are songs that I think accurately show what love really is like. I have called myself a student of love, and I guess like any student I can start to hate my chosen subject of choice. Hopefully like any diligent student I will once again start to crave the knowledge of my major. But right now I admit, I am bitter toward it.

Where ever you are.

There's a time to cry,
And a time to smile,
And time to feel alive,
And I time to die.
Can you run the unforgiving mile,
For a day times five,
Just to see this to the end,
For can this love bend?

There's a time to hope,
And a time, to feel,
A time to go numb,
But can it really help you cope?
Can it really let you heal?
Or just make you into another drunk bum?
I tell you this cause I can see,
Where I intend to be.

I intend to be in joy,
I intend to be in love,
To be absolutely free,
To be a care free boy,
Who will shove,
All this pain away from me.
This is what I indent to do.
To be one of the happy few.

In a world that will love me,
And with someone I have never met,
But I can still see,
That one day we will be a true set...
Of lovers...

Please come who ever you are,
Whether you be near or far,
Though I hope against the latter,
Cause I think we can live happily ever after.

Sleep here tonight.

Sleep with me tonight,
Don't hold anything back,
And I swear we can make each other feel alright,
And I tell you I'm not trying to get you in the sack.
In fact to prove my love to you, we won't even kiss
But will talk all night,
And then when I leave, know it is you who I miss,
Cause when we make love, I want it to feel right.

If I where King,
This I would proclaim to make you my Queen,
That whatever it is you want, it's your, anything,
Just tell me everywhere you want to go and have been.
If I were a rock star,
I'd have no groupies or one night stands,
But I'd be the luckiest man by far,
Having you in my hands.

All I want to do is make love to you.
Every night and every day,
And be one of the lucky few,
Who gets to hear all the things you say.
I'd do anything for you to kiss me,
And even more for you to spend the night,
Just please don't from my love flee,
And I promise you I can make you feel alright.

Toubling thoughts..

So my brother-in-law told me I have a drinking problem today. This was the first time anyone ever said this and left no room for argument. I'm not sure what to think about it. I know I drink for the "wrong" reasons, but at the same time, it's not ruining my life, and I hardly ever get drunk. Never the less. It scares me. I thought at one time that I had dealt with this problem, but it looks like it has resurfaced again. I don't know if this is a alcoholics excuse but if things where a bit different I think I could deal with it. As it is, at this current time, I can not. I spend the better part of my day thinking about the reasons why I do drink. Not saying that I am thinking of drinking at those times, but simply thinking of the reasons that make me WANT to drink. To forget, not to feel, and give me inspiration.

The hawks cry

I heard the call of a hawk the other day,
And I realized I knew what it was I heard,
It was not a song, or a whistle or screech persay,
But a cry, of a lost love that resided in the bird.
Not of the fresh pain like that of the loons,
Or of anger like that of the eagle,
But of long bled, but never healed wounds,
But not as defiant as that of Sea Gull.

No this cry is one of acceptence,
Of the pain that is there,
And to live in it's repentence,
And to sacrifice till the soul is bear.
This was the hawks cry,
To love and all its misery,
And to forget it all shy,
Of the hearts history.

Until I forget

I long for our golden time,
Of love and sharing our joy,
But you lost the love,
And all there is left is this pain of mine.
The feelings of being a gullible boy,

I believe as I believe in God above,
That we both meant no ill will,
And that you where trying to keep me from pain,
But you must know that that could not be the case,
And now we must pay loves bill.

So it's come to this, and now it's again the same.
I life of strife and of loss face,
With no part left of me to kill,
So I will be forever a lover and loose,
Until I can loose no more.
Then my heart will be as thick as lead.

But until then through the use of booze,
You I will forget, until I am dead to the core,
And I can finally sleep when I must go to bed.

1 Picture = 1000 words, 5 Pictures = 5000 or more

I want nothing more right now, then have a job, a steady one, and go to a bar, every friday, saturday, and sunday night and getting drunk. Pissed drunk!

The refreshments - Suckerpunch

Never gave thought to fashion till
Someone said I looked like you
Never gave thought to passion till
Someone said I screw like you
Baby I was never cool enough
To get a job at a record store
But if I had I wouldn't want you anymore
Never gave thought to rash'in till
Someone said I had a rash like you
Never gave thought to mashin' till
Someone said I mashed like you
Baby I was never cool enough
To get a job at a record store
But if I had I wouldn't want you
Wouldn't want you...
See Dick
See Jane
See how they both complain
See how they go round and round again
Over nothin at all
Me Dick
You Jane
See how we all complain
See we get all wrapped up
Over nothin at all
Here's the suckerpunch
Never gave thought to crashing till
Someone said I crashed a lot like you
Never gave thought to passion till
Someone said I screw like you
Baby I was never cool enough
To get a job at a record store
But if I had I wouldn't want you
Wouldn't want you...
See Dick
See Jane
See how they both complain
See how they go round and round
Over nothin at all
You Dick
Me Jane
See how we both complain
See we get all rapped up
Over nothin at all

Here's the suckerpunch

Who here likes "the refreshments"

I love the refreshments. Their song Mekong, and Mexico are superb songs to help you get over someone. I know that there really is no reason for me to be writing this. But agues if anyone decides that they want to listen to them because of my insane rambling, then I have a reason for writing what I have.

I will always care

Feeling slip and I loose my pain.
Of heartache and shame,
And when for me time comes to judge,
One this not one inch I will budge.
I did everything I could to make this work,
And if an objection in you should even lurk,
You are no more then liar,
A truth to which you set fire.

I am without you now,
And if to you, you want me to bow,
You are in the wrong mind set,
You must hold onto love and let,
Let it take you away,
Away from your doubt and skeptical way.
I am here with or without you,
With only songs and certain friends to keep me from being blue.

So live your life,Away from me and all your strife.
Keep focused and what you want,
And never let your past to you haunt.
I will be here to whisper a prayer,
To worry about you and care.

Every Morning- Sugar Ray

Not sure why, but I am in the mood for this song.

Every morning there's a halo hanging

from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed

I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for

the weekend or a one-night stand

Couldn't understand

How to work it out

Once again as predicted left my broken heart open

and you ripped it out

Something's got me reeling

Stopped me from believing

Turn me around again

Said that we can do it

Y'know I wanna do it again

[Sugar Ray say] Oh...........

[Every Morning] Oh................

[Every Morning when I wake up]

[Shut the door Ray, don't say a word] Oh.......

[She always rights wrongs, she always rights]

[Shut the door Ray, Shut the door Ray]

Every Morning there's a heartache hanging

from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed

I know it's not mine and I know she thinks she loves me

but I never can believe what she said

Something so deceiving

When you stop believing

Turn me around again

Said we couldn't do it

Y'know I wanna do it again Oh...........

[Every Morning] Oh..................

[Every Morning when I wake up]

[Shut the door Ray, don't say a word] Oh...........

[Every Morning] Oh..........

[Every Morning when I wake up]

[Shut the door Ray, shut the door Ray]

She always rights the wrongsFor me

BabyShe always rights the wrongs

For me

Every Morning there's a halo hanging

from the corner of my girlfriends four-post bed

I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for

the weekend or a one-night stand

[Shut the door Ray, don't say a word]

Every Morning

Every Morning when I wake up

[Shut the door Ray, shut the door Ray]

Every MorningEvery Morning

[Turn me around again]

[Shut the door Ray, don't say a word]

Every Morning Every Morning

Nothing to do

I'm so bored. I have lots I can be doing, but no one to do anything with.

Time...

Time... What are you?
Can you heal?
What do you do?
Time... Can you teach me to feel?

Time... Please to be gentle.
Keep away from me lines of worry,
Before I start to settle,
And take good care and please don't hurry.

Time... Can hold me,
When push comes to shove?
Can you set me free?
Would you teach me to love?

Time...

I am calling

Calling inspirations muse I am.
I need her to set my fingers a-fire,
I need something other then blues in me,
To take my passions higher.
I need to feel ecstasy,
To taste heaven,
To rid my world of complexity,
Someone to moan "Oh Devon".

Calling inspirations touch I am.
To trace her figure with my fingers,
To taste her sweat and such,
Someone whose kiss on my lips lingers.
I need passions embrace,
To take me from this world,
Who can save me from my race,
And in dark, have my reality hurled.

I am waiting for inspirations muse,
To teach me how to misbehave,
To take me into the dark and whose,
Kiss can for me can save.

Alright! Thats it! I am going to get over her. I am going to get my stuff from lethbridge, get a job that pays well, and get laid! I don't give a shit about the whole growing into myself shit, I NEED to feel good. I NEED TO! HAHAHA! any girls looking for a good time in Edmonton ;)

I hate today

Fuck I hate feeling this way. I know they are having a party tonight, and though I would love to go, I can't. Not because I'm not in the city, because I will be there, but because I can't see her. I think I am invited, but I just can't. I want her to have fun, so I can't be there. But if I'm lucky I can get really pissed drunk. That would be nice. No seeing her. No wanting to touch her face. To run my fingers through her hair. No loving her. Just he sweet bliss of intoxication.

Want to share pain?

I used to believe that the best way to get over someone was to get underneath another. I still believe that you get over that person quick enough, but its not the best. I know its not. You have to live a little bit without anyone else. You have to grow into your self that you became before them. You have to make yourself happy. I'm not sure if I can do all that. But if I don't have her, I think I will try. I know it's going to be hard but nothing good in life comes easy.

Passion for me is a drug. It's more intoxicating then any alcohol or narcotic. I crave it. And with this time alone it is going to be VERY hard not to let in to my cravings, but if I can... well I can do it anyway. Life for me seems a bit cruel at times. Here's a question to you all. You don't have to answer if you don't want to but how many people who read this are in pain do to a break up? If you want to answer please do. Feel free to tell any info you want to share, and hold back any or all or tell all of what you feel or the details around it. Maybe by sharing we can make our own comfort out of by realizing that as much as we want to believe we are alone we're not.

Time to come to grips.

I guess it's time to come to grips. The relationship, that started as a fling, then went to friends, then to a lot more, is over. At first it was apparently my emotions and the insecurities attached to them that drove us into the rough patch. But I was able to take care of them, and me and her spent about two hours... maybe... with each other and a couple of our friends. She was cold, and mostly polite. I also got the impression that she didn't want to do this anymore. It's hard to deal with, but that's fine. I can understand. But, I HATE being blamed for something that’s not my fault. My emotions and insecurities where taken care off, but I can't make everything work alone, and that’s ok. She has life to live, and I hope that she has fun living it.

I know that it takes two peoples efforts to make something work, and I guess I am just frustrated. I wanted this to work so much, but apparently not. If she ever called, and wanted it to work, I would give it shot. I would go down for a visit at first, and if that went good, I'd come down for another. Then another, and if everything is great, I'd move BACK down there. But I think the chances of her calls are slim to nil.

So its time to start mending. But I hope you know that I will always feel for you, and for you, it's never too late.

Man and his pain

To man, an old question do I bring,
Is it better to have loved and lost,
Then never knowing?
Is having love worth the cost,
Of it never showing?

Can man live without it?
Or is he destined to go on through life,
With always a heart ach? I don't doubt it.
To continuously have the etched mark of strife,
Written on his face, how 'bout it?

Can he give love a kiss,
Just to be kicked in the teeth?
Or take a stab and knowing love, and miss,
The precious stones beneath?

It is mans roll, to be forever hurt.
To feel none of life’s mirth,
To take off the sleeveless shirt,
And bare the burdens of his birth.

What is a blog for?

I think I am going to use my blog to release things that I may be feeling, and sometimes things I am worryed about feeling, but am not us of yet. I dont know if it will work, but I have the want to express my self, and if ANYONE wants to comment, please do. This includes you Tanis, family, and all friends.

For I think of you

Alchole for breakfast,
For I think of you.
A pained sleep, no rest,
For I think of you.

I hurt in my heart,
For I think of you,
I used to think myself smart,
Until I met you.

Saddness and worry,
For I think of you,
Tears make my vision blurry,
For I think of you.

And in the end what?
Love or pain for what we do,
I would be happy livng alone, but,
I know the happieness I have with you.

(This is for you. Believe and if all there was that was wrong was what you said then we should be great.)

(And everyone as I said before, I DO exaggerate things.)

The amazing things our love can do,
Miracles its true.
It can make us fly into the night,
With it, I hope you feel the choice you made is right.
It can save us from certain death,
And show us sights that make us hold our breath.

For never was there a stronger love,
Then mine for you,
That can, cushion us as push comes to shove,
That can change me into happy from blue,
That can heal the gravest of wounds,
That can make us see its amazing boons,
And from it one thing you should take,
That this is right, and never will it brake.

tear...

Fear in my heart

Fear, spoils of worry,
Wrenching the stomach and twisting a heart,
Must be quick and hurry,
Or my soul will be torn apart.
Sickness of to much thinking,
Of being left in terrible wonder,
My very being is groveling, is shrinking,
And here I listen for dooms thunder.

Is this what I am to be,
A coward,
Left here is my misery,
Stinking of fear and never being showered?
Left alone to die,
In my own sickness,
Expected to get by,
Relying on my hearts own thickness.