Funny Friday

Its back... With a festive special.

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singin' a song,
And the kid was in bed flogging his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse,
And I, out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off of Ma to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell out on my ass.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.

With a little old driver holding his prick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.

"Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls.
Quick now, damn it, or I'll cut off your balls!"
When up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell.

He staggered and stumbled and went to the door
He tripped on his dick and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Piss on you all, it's a Hell of a night."

Meh... just some sad thoughts i had to get out.

I throw my cigar butt away, and the ambers scatter in the night,
I feel to much pain, I feel to much like home,
And though I try and try as I might,
I just can't dig it out of my bones.

To feel all alone,
To feel left out.
To attone,
And to have only doubts.
This is me,
And so I wait
In a hope to see,
If one day, I will have a date.

Funny Friday

Ok so sorry this ones a bit late... I've been busy...LOL, deal with it!

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History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln w as shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was IN Marilyn Monroe.

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THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in
salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

THE RESPONSE:
Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for themfollowing reasons:

You do not work 8 straight hours.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety requirements,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were NOT ALL, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management.

Waiting for your call

I wait for you call, but it never comes.

To me that’s the greatest disappointment of all,

But what else can be expected in a world of bums,

A world of drunks, and of suffering.

From temptations grab, I duck,

And manage not look at the pictures your offering.

For if I did, your missing call, would hurt that much more,

So I run and run, until I fall,

And my feet are swollen and sore.

One day my dear, we will see each other face to face,

And when that day comes do not fear,

Cause we will be in each others arms, the right place.

So my doll, I will wait right here,

And will wait for your call.

Be yourself

What? You wish to be me?
To share my gift?
What gift do you see?
With alcohol my main lift.
You wish you could rhyme,
And I think you could,
But do you want to become the slime,
In order to be this good.

Be happy with what YOU write,
And keep on YOUR track,
Live a life YOU deem right,
And travel down its path, without looking back.
How else can you be your best self,
If your always trying to be someone else,
Into someone else’s personality you delve,
But its YOURS that has the mystery that none other tells.

Be yourself,
Never be ashamed,
Keep your roll models on your shelf,
With all the other unnamed.
Do what you want to do,
Never travel back,
Be you,
And keep on your own track.

To the moon

I 've cashed in my chips,
I have layed my cards down.
I have won and given out tips,
And lost without even a frown.

One has gone,
And another's on the way,
Again the one sun that shone,
Is out, for a candle now keeps my heart in sway.

And in my darkness its flame will grow.
It will shine more radiant then the moon,
And more blinding then any sun can know,
All over me and my gloom.

But I will always remember the moon,
And cherish when I had it,
But that time had to die far too soon,
And now I must move on bit, by bit.

And with her I think that's possible,
For I look into her eyes and am to her bound,
Though it's not plausable,
I think when I'll see her, I will feel found.

Again to the moon,
I hope to see you sometime,
But I hope it's not too soon.

Funny Friday

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Lame Joke Special: A pirate walks into the bar with a paper towl on his head. The bar tender asks, "Whats with the paper towl?" The pirate replies, " ARE! Me got a 'bounty' on me head."

To passion

You blow into my ear,
And my mind is carried away,
Not so fast cause I'm near,
But with your hair I will play.

We feel each others heart beating,
And it's to our beat,
Out and away our control is fleeting,
With our passions heat.

Our toungs play a slow game of tag,
As our hands grab at one another,
And neither of us will joust or brag,
In respect for the night and for the other.

And when our lust passion is spent,
And the mornings arrive,
Its bitterness on our love will not leave a dent,
For soon the nights will come and days will die.

And we will once again will have our grace,
Once again we will be cuddle when done,
And fall asleep looking into each others face,
Once again we will be one.

To the Russian

Thanks. I finally got through the block.

......................................................

You cast a spell,

And my mind is whipped clean,

All I think of is you,

And it is sweet hell.

I feel that I have never been,

Till I saw you.

By blood burns through me,

I can’t sleep,

All I can do,

Is hope to see,

And to count little sheep,

But all I do, is think of you.

Your eyes scorch through my soul,

And I love the way they make me feel,

Feel this bliss,

Makes me feel whole

Make feel real,

Oh I can’t get enough of this.

Her smile,

Mischievous,

Her air is heaven if it was not hell,

It takes me higher then country mile,

Oh her, Oh this.

Its more then I can take or tell.

To her,

To a kiss,

For all she can do,

To make this for sure,

To this bliss,

Oh but always to you.

Writers block

Ok. So WTF! I try to write and just can't! Its driving me nuts. Cause I have the will too, and I know what I want to write about, but I just can't. For example I met this really cool girl the other night. We talked and talked and I had such a good time. I know I want to write something about her, using her as my muse I suppose, and I KNOW that it should work, cause I can feel the words, but I just can't write them They seem to die on the key board, or once they hit a page. I don't know what to do about it but I am going to keep trying a wait until this block dissolves. Maybe I just need to actualy experience those emotions again. Or atleast something stronger then just a
fantasy.

Ok so this one not finished. I am actually just looking through old poems that i haven't published and am just finishing them.

In your lonelyness you hide,
From the life you made into hell,
And on this bitter emotion you ride,
Like faster then light, faster then you can tell,
Until all that is left,
Is the damage in your own soul.

You drink, and drink until the skin sheds,
And people ask would you perfer to be dead?
You say," why yes"
Its the same old story,
A fight with out shame and its still so gory.

Funny Friday

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Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have aboring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her......... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you...... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't..........there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.